Love the self – so others will love you (or - How to save your marriage from yourself)

in Love

When we don’t love ourselves

We fear not being loved by others.

We also tend to keep our distance from others,

Or react to them, seeing them as separate,

Thereby keeping them at a distance

And keeping love at a distance also

Leaving ourselves feeling wounded – by others.


When we recognise that by loving self

And seeing love and loving in others,

We empathize with both self and others,

And support our ability to role reverse

We then see both their pain, and ours.

With insight comes understanding and acceptance.


By loving self, no matter what the voices around us may say,

No matter what the voices from the past may try to remind us,

We can be loving of others.

Until we can love self, our love for others requires that they love us in return

To the point where their love convinces us that we are lovable.


When we know that we are acceptable, deserving and worthy of love no matter what,

Only then can we be loving of others even when they are not being loving of us.

When we feel worthy and deserving of love, and self accepting, we attract that which we are within.

This inner light of self acceptance ensures that we will receive it in return.


When we are secure in our self acceptance, we can stay open to others

We can risk staying connected to them, even when they are critical of us.

We can risk hearing them without being defensive or resistant,

Thereby inviting them to be loving of themselves as well as of our ability to love unconditionally

And perhaps eventually, they’ll even be loving of us.


Then the fact that they love us is a confirmation

That we are worthy, deserving and lovable

Which we knew to be the case anyway.

Their love becomes the icing on the cake of self-love,

Self-acceptance, self-affirmation, self-support and self-appreciation.


Now we’ve come full circle.

Loving self has made us attractive to others.

(Consider just who wants to love someone who is unlovable).

By loving self first, we are not seeking another to prop us up.

We are solid in the knowledge and feeling that we are thoroughly OK as we are.

And being so, we have something solid to offer,

Love, acceptance, affirmation, support and appreciation of another,

Because we can be to them what we are being to ourselves -

Loving, and lovable.

Now our relationship takes on a different dimension.

Instead of being needy, we are prepared to meet our own needs.

Instead of being blaming, we are prepared to look at ourselves.

Instead of asking ‘Why don’t you...’ we ask “Why don’t I ...’.

Instead of finding fault in self or other, we recognise that there’s work to be done,

Work that involves a caring approach to my own emotional distress.


Now we can take care of our own needs.

Now we can ask our partner to help us meet our own needs.

We also recognise that we can help our partner recognise,

Own and meet their own needs also.


We are now in a place of being compassionate towards self,

And also compassionate towards our partner.

Instead of wronging, we will want to support their wounded needy child part.

Instead of being superior, we will want to help them heal old unmet needs, just as we do our own.

Now we are being loving, caring, supportive and understanding

Of everybody in this relationship.

Author Box
Jeffery Saunders has 1 articles online

Jeff Saunders has taught personal development and trained others in this field for over twenty years. He’s a counsellor, couples therapist and life coach in private practice, and has trained counsellors, teachers and business people in the fields of communication, personal or professional development, and couples relationships. He’s written numerous articles for magazines on relationships and personal development, usually with a spiritual focus.

You can visit for numerous articles on personal and spiritual development, and for access to his book The 12 Choices of Winners as a paper (334 pages) or e-book. There’s even an e-book created from the 187 cartoons and key quotes in the main book. Visit for articles about successful relationships and ways to change relationship dynamics.

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Love the self – so others will love you (or - How to save your marriage from yourself)

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This article was published on 2012/04/16