I recently received an email from a wife who strongly suspected that her husband didn't love her anymore. She had attempted to discuss this with him many times. But on nearly every occasion, he denied that anything was wrong. Sure, he would concede, they'd been married for a while and they were no longer all over each other like people who had just become lovers. But this didn't mean that they didn't love each other anymore.
The wife just wasn't convinced. Not only did her husband not show her much affection anymore, he rarely told her that he loved her and he seemed to make a lot of excuses to be away from her and their home. In short, they just weren't spending any quality time together, the husband was beginning to avoid her, and the wife was extremely lonely within her own marriage.
The wife wanted to know if she was just seeing problems were none existed or if there was a way that she could tell or know if her husband no longer loved her. While you can't witness your husband's feelings, see inside his heart, or know precisely what he's thinking, there are some signs that the marriage has lost some of the loving feelings. I will discuss this more in the following article.
A Man Will Generally Show His Love Through Actions More Than Words: Men are typically not open communicators in the way that women are. While it might feel perfectly natural for us to express our romantic feelings in words, men have a more difficult time with this. So, while your husband might not say "I love you" several times a day, he will usually show you this with his actions. This might be through small gestures like the brush of an arm, or making you a cup of coffee in the morning, or opening your car door, or even holding eye contact and giving you a smile that is only meant for you.
Sure, almost all wives that I know would love to hear "I love you" on a much more regular basis, but sometimes, if you can look at the gestures and actions that he does provide, you can begin to see that in fact he is saying that he still loves you relatively often, it's just that he's saying it through the way he acts rather than the words that he says.
When You're Not Seeing That Actions That Show That Your Husband Still Loves You: The Culture Of Avoidance: With these things said, though, I often hear from wives who will respond to the above explanation with something like "well that's great. I understand that this may be the case in some marriages. But you don't understand. He doesn't show his love through his actions either. He pretty much just avoids me. There's no eye contact or hand holding or door opening. There is nothing. It's as if we're roommates or acquaintances, but nothing more."
It's absolutely understandable to be concerned in this situation. Because even when you've been married for a long time, most people who love, care about, and respect their spouses will show these behaviors and actions at least some of the time, as doing so is just a natural reaction and response that flows out of loving feelings. If you're not seeing these things, the worst thing that you can do is to just ignore it, try to convince yourself that you're imagining things, or take his denials as the fact because you want to believe them.
Even if you're seeing the more negative side of things, all marriages can use improvement in closeness and intimacy. If you overreach and the two of you are closer as result, what is the harm in that? Of course, most husbands are going to deny that there's a problem because they don't want to deal with the consequences of this admission. They know full well that you're going to want to make them talk about and deal with their feelings and many men want to avoid this.
Sometimes, the culture of the marriage has become stagnant and is now one of avoidance. No one wants to say what's become obvious so both people just sort of retreat. In this situation, there's usually not much fighting, conflict or anger, but there's not much intimacy, affection, or closeness either.
When I do have men who visit my blog and admit to me that they've become sort of distant from and lukewarm to their wives, they will often offer more details about how the marriage has changed and shifted over time. They're usually quite disappointed that it's their perception that both spouses are taking one another for granted and not having all that much fun anymore. Many of them tell me that their wives just don't seem to have the time for them anymore and that the marriage has become very stale and repetitive. There's not a lot of light hearted fun and playful behavior going on as their used to be in the beginning.
I'm not saying that the husbands' perceptions are right. I suspect that their view is meant to paint them as the victim, but they completely believe what they are saying. And, for our purposes, that's all that matters. Usually as a result of this disappointment, a husband will begin to retreat and to withhold his affection. He may not even be conscious of this, but usually his thought process is one of disappointment. And, this is typically what you are seeing, even when he tells you that you're imagining it. Often, if you can begin to shift some of the priorities and patterns or habits in the marriage, you will also see the gestures, actions, and feelings changing also.
See, it's usually not that your husband doesn't love you anymore. Both of you might well believe this to be true. But usually, it's that he (or even both of you) have changed your priorities and allocation of time. So, it's usually the marriage that is not paying out as it used to. But neither person in this marriage has changed. Therefore, it's less likely that the core feelings have changed about the other person. However, your interactions will that other person have most definitely changed and this usually causes a distance that is mistaken for "falling out of love."
So what can you do about this? Well, since your husband is likely resistant, you will often have to take the initiative. You can usually begin by shifting your time allotment and priorities. You can show him the best version of yourself and to try to place your focus on the positive. Try to resist continuing to question him about his feelings. Instead, focus on showing him the way that you'd like for him to act toward you by showing him the kind of affection that you, yourself, want.
He'll likely be very pleasantly surprised by your focus on him, and often as the result he will often gradually follow your lead. This might be a gradual process but usually if you hang in there and give him more of what he wants, you will also get more of what you want.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage and was supposedly no longer in love with me. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/