Does He Mean It When He Says He Doesn't Love Me Anymore?

in Love

I think that every one has asked themselves this question at some point or another. And, it's very easy to get so caught up on this question that you're in sort of a holding pattern. The truth is, the thought that he doesn't love you any more when you still feel the same thing about him can be devastating. Often, this admission comes out of the blue and is at odds with how he acts. He might still act like he cares, or is invested, or is still interested, which can leave us wondering what his intentions or wishes really are.

Sometimes I hear people say things like "well, he's told you that he doesn't love you anymore. It's come out of his own mouth. What more do you need to know? This means that it's time to take him at his word and move on."

These folks just don't understand. They haven't seen how tender he might have been just a very short time ago. They don't know that this is a 360 degree turn from where you were just a short time ago. They don't know your history and how close you used to be or how effortless it used to feel. In short, they have never lived in your relationship. So, it doesn't necessarily matter what they think. What matters is how you react to this. And, the best stance is usually not dwelling on the question, it's taking decisive action. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why He Might Be Telling You That He Doesn't Love You Anymore: According to my research, experience, and opinion, there are a few reasons that he may be insisting that he's fallen out of love with you. The first reason is that he never was in the first place. Now, the longer that you have been together, the less likely this is. But, sometimes, he's determined or for some reason perceives, that the woman he thought you were is not actually who you are. This sometimes happens when you pretend to be someone else when you were dating.

Sure, we all put our best foot forward and show our best selves. But, what I'm talking about here is the enthusiastic women who will tell him that yes, she loves the outdoors when in fact she's never been camping in her life. Sometimes though, you are still the woman that he fell in love with, but what is happening in your life blurs these lines. You're focused on your career or your kids or paying the bills or just on surviving. So, you may not appear to be the easy going woman that he was very much attracted to.

This is an easier fix. In this case, you just have to rearrange your life (or your priorities) and see if you can show him more of who he thought he had lost for good. Now, you don't want to do this in a grasping at straws or desperate way. You really want to change the atmosphere and the surroundings rather than yourself.

Another reason that a man might tell you that he doesn't love you anymore is because he is the one who has changed (or so he thinks.) Often, when men reach a certain point in their lives, they begin to evaluate what they have accomplished or still have left to do. Sometimes, they will project their disappointment or their shortcomings onto you. This is not fair. I completely understand that. But, you can't control someone else's thought process. You can only try to change the circumstances to alleviate some of his disappointment and stress.

The final reason that I see is that he's using the "I don't love you anymore" excuse because there is something else that is going on that he doesn't want to share right now. He knows that there is really nothing that you can do to argue this point so he's using it as a shield for something else. Time will tell the real reason in this particular case.

How To Handle It When He Says He Doesn't Love You Anymore: The best advice I can give you is to not overreact. I've just shown you that there are countless potential reasons for this declaration. So, you don't want to make things worse by peppering him with all of these questions or by telling him that he's wrong or being hurtful. I know that it can be tempting to constantly ask why or to demand more details, but asking more than once is likely only going to make things worse.

What you want to do is tell him that you're very upset to hear this and that you still love him. However, because you love him, you want him to be happy. And so, you're willing to give him some space as he works this out. I know that this can feel risky but this is truly the best way to play it, at least initially. Once things calm down some, and he's hopefully over his internal crisis, then you can move on to new tactics.

It was my husband who had "fallen out of love" with me (although I wasn't all that excited by him either, sometimes.) He felt that our marriage was completely over and often threatened to end it. And he wouldn't lift a finger to help me save it. I felt that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save our marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at

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Leslie Cane has 5497 articles online and 3 fans

Leslie Cane's blog is at  She enjoys sharing the story of how she saved her own marriage to help others.

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Does He Mean It When He Says He Doesn't Love Me Anymore?

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This article was published on 2010/09/21
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